Desire

I cannot tell anymore, if a desire is my own.

I know that desires are created. But what if you desired to have a specific desire or want? Would you then be creating a meaningless puzzle for yourself? I wonder, because I had forgotten the need for something, and I had pushed it as far back in my brain as I could (because I knew it was never going to be fulfilled) and so it was only in recurring dreams and incessant nightmares did it appear.

But recently, after coming accross the information that this desire could possibly be met, I began to become curious. Where did this curiosity come from? It was the strongest 'curiosity' I had felt in my entire life. And then it dawned on me... it had always been a desire. But why? I had forgotten it, it couldn't be important, right? But then, people do forget important things - picking a child up from school. It does happen.

I dont want this desire, I dont want to be labelled - shunned - because of it. I just want it to go away. But now after knowing its possible to fulfill it, I cannot forget, I have to pursue it. Why?

(Please dont bother yourself for the form this desire takes, it is just a desire, and no speculation is required, and judging is unnecesary.)

As soon as I became conscious of the desire, I shunned it myself. I do this because I do not want other people to judge me for it. As soon as the desire becomes apparent that I cannot be rid of it, I hide it. And forget it. This cycle repeats itself untill the desire is fulfilled. But desire is not real, it is an illusion. Therefore this desire is nothing but that, and I do not HAVE to fulfill it. But I still feel some emotion attached to it, I desire this and I am averted to not having it. Amazing. The desire is not real, I dont have to. But I choose to, maybe this isnt about people judging me. Or is it that I want to be judged by my desire?

When faced with something about yourself you cannot explain, it is best to follow it through a full circle of possibilities, and come back to the beginning. Because you know that if something isnt real it will in time contradict itself and change. There is nothing wrong with fulfilling a desire, but if the desire just causes pain, or is unfulfillable, do not hold onto it. Desire isnt real. Aim for desires which can be met. And always remember: There is never a guarrantee. Be free of desire, be free to have desire.