Some pieces of text from my art boards.

I am the beast and I walk alone.
I am the creature and I see the truth.
I am the hunter and I swallowed my pride.
Now I have walked with you,
I have seen your truth.
Here I have come to devour your pride.

And there she appeared, as if a veil had been torn off - she had always been there, upon the back of the thing I escaped. How could something so beautiful exist alongside, no, with a monstrosity? As she looked at me with her cool curious eyes, I felt my heart skip a beat. This fey girl held the look of age, but only in her gaze. She looked right through me as if I was made of glass. Who was this girl? She sat atop the behemoth, completely un-phased.
She sat with an air of authority that spoke of mastery. She was the master, and the behemoth was an underling. But if this was so, why did she need it to attack me?
What was this coolness in her eyes reflecting? She feared me? Feared me... No... It couldn't be - could it? She couldn't have witnessed me destroy the watcher, could she? But she must have... This must be why she attacked. Her and her behemoth are more afraid of me than I am of them. I hate fear! It drives people insane, makes them do things they don't want to. Fear is a blight on this world. Let the sun shine on this night. Fade.

The moon left the sky, and the sun replaced it... I became aware of one certain thing: the nightmare was not mine. I was the nightmare. How ironic that I should cast fear in such fearsome creatures eyes. Maybe all things fear each other. My thoughts of the night fade as fast as the ... [The rest is un-readable as it faded into the white background.]

SMILE

Today, whilst working I learned the meaning of a smile.
I smile at someone, and it seems so normal, so natural.
Someone smiles at me, and I feel so happy and brightened.
Now I understand a smile. Smiles are the acceptance of someone right there in the moment. No matter who they were, what they did, or where they go, to smile at someone with your heart is to purely accept them completely.
The smile of a child.
The smile when you see a sunset.
The acceptance of a beautiful moment, an amazing person.
Knowing nothing, accepting all, giving love, being free.

DEAR FOLLOWERS:

Thank you so much for following me; all six of you. It does mean a lot. Three individual people who all choose to follow this page (albeit I do not know whether you actually read this or not) but I thank you, anyway. Because I realised if I show my blog to 10 people, and only 6 have blogspot accounts, and 6 people follow me, then 6/6 people follow me. That means everyone does. :)
In some weird sense.
AnyWAYS!!!

T0 THE POINT AWAYYY -> ...

I wanted to ask the followers which do read this blog to take a minute, or two, or three depending on the speed of your internet, to follow my other blog. Its important I have followers, because, as a portfolio, the more people who appear to like it the higher the chance of it being impressive. Comprende?

SO yeah. DO me a favour, guys. I bleed my soul to you every month or so, so give a BIG little back. :D http://astrorose.blogspot.com/

Thanks!

Peace out.

Interested

I have spent the day trying to draw. And I fear the thing I fear most is true.
But I do not know for sure.
Which is silly.
I'm sure everyone has something they fear most. I fear that people take my blogs word for word and will quote me someday on them.
I fear that I am right, though, a lot of the time. I think something scary could have happened, and what is scarier is if I'm right about it.
I am told that you are supposed to be scared of being wrong, not right. But being right is a whole new ball-park.
Why was I right? What brought me to think that? Now I am right there's no possibilities left, it has been ended, there's nothing left to explore.
When you are wrong, its a whole lot easier.
Why was I wrong? What other ways of thinking could I use to find the right answer? Now I know I am wrong there are all but one possibilities to find an answer, which I can explore, it has just begun.

This is why I prefer to be wrong, than right. Especially so, because when you are right and you know it, you are expected to bring evidence to the party. When you are wrong nobody wants evidence of how wrong you are (mostly, I'm sure some people might).

I am just spawning random thoughts right now.

This writing of my blog is purely a distraction. Distracting me from other distractions in my totally distracted life.

Peace out.

Disinterested - emotional play

I'm really bad at this. I came home and now I have left the habit of meditation. I have fallen back into old cycles, and I am reverting.

I find this sad and plan to do much about it - but the truth is, my willpower seems somewhat broken. I notice these old resistances to habits and rythms now. I don't know if you may have them but I certainly do.

Anyway. I had a particularly stressful day today, completely unexpected. I made an attempt today to please far too many people at once. It is now 10:51pm that I am writing this tired, no, exhausted, emotionally voiceless, worried, cold, and irritable.

I feel like I gave so much of myself today. But this is just a feeling. Probably very different to reality. But then again, my reality right now is the experience of this feeling.

I suppose the reason I am beating around the bush is because I went and pleased so many people today, did as I was asked, but when it came down to the crunch - to what I really wanted to help with - the person who truly needed support - I was helpless, unable to support them, grasping at water just to find SOMETHING to give them in terms of peace.

But nothing was there. I became awkward, unable to respond, unable to help. I felt horrible. I felt all these negative emotions at the inability to help someone. It was distressing, and lowered my ability to help them, making it even worse.

Now I realise that although there is a spiral, it is, in fact, selfish to allow these negative thoughts to cloud my judgement. I should remain aware of these emotions, for they have no real influence over my actions. Only I do that.

Well... Not so much selfish as putting effort in the wrong direction. I am not feeling sad because something bad has happened to me, I am feeling sad because I am empathising. I am not feeling distressed because I am empathising, I am feeling distressed because I have a strong desire to help. When I cannot help, I cannot help, but I can still work my best to be all I can.

These are just my attempts at a de-brief for today. Analysing what I have just been through helps. Thinking it through. But Its best never to mistake the analysis for actual change. The surface of water ripples constantly, but for the deep currents to change their route requires you to dive into the full depths of the water.

Afterwards

Coming back from Vipassana, I could have written a blog straight away, but I thought it would be interesting to see how I felt on the second day.

Coming home in the morning was ecstacy, everything was good, everyone was happy, nothing was wrong with the world. FOR THE WHOLE DAY.

Day two, I woke up, feeling good, and began a new diet of veganism (or am at least trying).

So I awoke, meditated, then I ate, cooked breakfast for my grandma as well, cleaned the entire kitchen, cleaned the entire bathroom, took the recycling out, and was virtually done for the day. Nothing left to do except stuff which could be put off. And I was feeling happy. Very happy, and relaxed. But then I went on the computer, and my day was lost.

Maybe its these vibrations of pure apathy a computer presents. But I still managed to get things done, but a lot more slowly.

All in all, I feel there is something lighter. Some weight has been lifted. But it is so slight - almost unnoticable. I like it. "You know you've done something right when nobody is sure if you've done anything at all." As the saying goes. :)

Its been a long while coming - thoughts before Vipassana

It has definitely been a long time coming. I haven't written here for longer than I can remember. But that's fine by me. There's no point in writing about something you don't care for.

Over a month ago I signed up for a 10 day Vipassana retreat. I will be arriving there tomorrow - and I'll tell you now - I'm not looking forwards to it. I would really like to do it, but then again, I feel unable to do it... Even though I know I can. I feel like there might be some part of me which is inadequate.

But in retrospect I think that it will be fine, and that I will get through each day, because I sit at home, doing nothing but distract myself all day long with anything. My mind isn't really thinking, but I'm not in the moment either. So medicating my awareness will be something incredible, that I know I can find peace in.

Something I noticed today... I was stroking my cat, humming along to the music in my head, and then totally by accident, I tuned into a new frequency. The world. It was shocking - albeit sounding stupid. But I mean I really tuned in. I could hear all the sounds going on in the world. I could hear myself, and my own actions which made so much noise. I became aware of the sounds of the world. For a moment, and that's where I stopped. I was stroking my cat, aware of this new world of sound which had been previously drowned out by my noisy head. I shared an awareness WITH my cat, as I stroked her. This made me realise we all share the same awareness, if not senses. All beings aware share that. We cannot be separate.

And so, with my new-found understanding of awareness, sloppy meditation practice, and solid meta practice, I am now packing my bags to head off to the retreat tomorrow.

I wonder what I should pack - does it matter?

Irrellevance of everything

So life goes on. It really does. There is no great moment of conclusion - unlike what we are told by books and films - life really does go on after those incredible events form into completion and decision. Yet as I firmly grasp this concept of the finite I again continue to see irrelevant possibilities rise forth in the mind-stream. Its such a distorting thing to speculate on. I would really love to have something to settle into. A place all of my own within myself.

I think having this kind of anchor is really important to all of us. When we are in the womb the anchor is our mother which is physically chained to us through the umbilical cord. When that cord is cut we begin a life of searching for that certain thing which will hold us in our place.

In today's culture there is so much emphasis on the external we can forget to look inside.

I see some people take this search and romanticise it into a search for love. And yet that is also not the same because I see these very people fall completely dependant on their lover. Not in a good way. A classic example is the husband who cannot for the life of him look after himself and expects his wife to cater to his needs. I know this stereotype is being broken down steadily by the ideal of a 'modern husband' and the so called metro-sexual men. And I'm not saying that's not the only occurrence, there are both women and men who become dependant on their spouse. Its odd how this happens and as I go through life I notice this is more common than I expected.

But than I notice other people will go on a constant search for the perfect image. Holding their anchor in their appearance. Others may search for the perfect car, or having the perfect family or house.

These things can really tear lives apart. But we all do it and accept it as normal. Unless it effects us directly. If we are getting washed away by someone else's tsunami of desire.

*UNFINISHED*

Recall

I open my eyes. Grey, black and white, fuzzy. As my vision clears I have no thoughts or words in my head, but I see this face, the first face I have ever seen but I recognize it... This face is warm, welcoming, abound with ecstasy and pain, but smiling with great white teeth, wrinkles propose an intensity of new emotion. This huge face makes me feel like all is just as it should be. I smile. A great roughness presses against my skin - scraping - beam of light dances through onto the scene, and a gentle damp breeze wafts its way from nowhere, I can smell dew on the wind, grass. As my consciousness fades, the first ever yellow pink and blue pastel colors swirl into existence... These calm walls, voices in excited whispers begin to melt together. And then I am gone.

- The first memory of my life.

Passing of time

And so here we come to the beginning of the new year. Its a joyous occasion to most, and a terrifying one at the same time. There is one event that the new years brings which is constantly aiding humanity in a very large way. This is the new years resolution. You may say something like "Its not big, its just a small individual change." It may be a small - or big - change that you take upon yourself, but here we begin to realize the power we as humanity possess; the number of people who make themselves 1% better every year is over well over 100. Even 1000 people making an improvement is like 10 people on this planet becoming perfect. If 10 people are perfect, then they have the ability to change the world for the better with the perfection they may wield. But we don't have 10 perfect humans, this perfection is spread among the individuals, who hold their own power. Their freedom in their own lives. The human race is a perfect thing, but only when we unite together. So perhaps you have made a resolution this year, perhaps not. But I would like to suggest a new resolution for you: To bring yourself closer the those around you, and care for them expecting nothing in return. In this way you may bring perfection a little closer to yourself.

Don't get me wrong, when I say perfection I mean something wonderful and powerful. Not like how one can have the perfect figure, or the perfect mind - these are intangible and unrealistic - I do not assume to make the judgement of perfection, only to call you to see what I am pointing towards.