Disinterested - emotional play

I'm really bad at this. I came home and now I have left the habit of meditation. I have fallen back into old cycles, and I am reverting.

I find this sad and plan to do much about it - but the truth is, my willpower seems somewhat broken. I notice these old resistances to habits and rythms now. I don't know if you may have them but I certainly do.

Anyway. I had a particularly stressful day today, completely unexpected. I made an attempt today to please far too many people at once. It is now 10:51pm that I am writing this tired, no, exhausted, emotionally voiceless, worried, cold, and irritable.

I feel like I gave so much of myself today. But this is just a feeling. Probably very different to reality. But then again, my reality right now is the experience of this feeling.

I suppose the reason I am beating around the bush is because I went and pleased so many people today, did as I was asked, but when it came down to the crunch - to what I really wanted to help with - the person who truly needed support - I was helpless, unable to support them, grasping at water just to find SOMETHING to give them in terms of peace.

But nothing was there. I became awkward, unable to respond, unable to help. I felt horrible. I felt all these negative emotions at the inability to help someone. It was distressing, and lowered my ability to help them, making it even worse.

Now I realise that although there is a spiral, it is, in fact, selfish to allow these negative thoughts to cloud my judgement. I should remain aware of these emotions, for they have no real influence over my actions. Only I do that.

Well... Not so much selfish as putting effort in the wrong direction. I am not feeling sad because something bad has happened to me, I am feeling sad because I am empathising. I am not feeling distressed because I am empathising, I am feeling distressed because I have a strong desire to help. When I cannot help, I cannot help, but I can still work my best to be all I can.

These are just my attempts at a de-brief for today. Analysing what I have just been through helps. Thinking it through. But Its best never to mistake the analysis for actual change. The surface of water ripples constantly, but for the deep currents to change their route requires you to dive into the full depths of the water.