DEAR FOLLOWERS:

Thank you so much for following me; all six of you. It does mean a lot. Three individual people who all choose to follow this page (albeit I do not know whether you actually read this or not) but I thank you, anyway. Because I realised if I show my blog to 10 people, and only 6 have blogspot accounts, and 6 people follow me, then 6/6 people follow me. That means everyone does. :)
In some weird sense.
AnyWAYS!!!

T0 THE POINT AWAYYY -> ...

I wanted to ask the followers which do read this blog to take a minute, or two, or three depending on the speed of your internet, to follow my other blog. Its important I have followers, because, as a portfolio, the more people who appear to like it the higher the chance of it being impressive. Comprende?

SO yeah. DO me a favour, guys. I bleed my soul to you every month or so, so give a BIG little back. :D http://astrorose.blogspot.com/

Thanks!

Peace out.

Interested

I have spent the day trying to draw. And I fear the thing I fear most is true.
But I do not know for sure.
Which is silly.
I'm sure everyone has something they fear most. I fear that people take my blogs word for word and will quote me someday on them.
I fear that I am right, though, a lot of the time. I think something scary could have happened, and what is scarier is if I'm right about it.
I am told that you are supposed to be scared of being wrong, not right. But being right is a whole new ball-park.
Why was I right? What brought me to think that? Now I am right there's no possibilities left, it has been ended, there's nothing left to explore.
When you are wrong, its a whole lot easier.
Why was I wrong? What other ways of thinking could I use to find the right answer? Now I know I am wrong there are all but one possibilities to find an answer, which I can explore, it has just begun.

This is why I prefer to be wrong, than right. Especially so, because when you are right and you know it, you are expected to bring evidence to the party. When you are wrong nobody wants evidence of how wrong you are (mostly, I'm sure some people might).

I am just spawning random thoughts right now.

This writing of my blog is purely a distraction. Distracting me from other distractions in my totally distracted life.

Peace out.

Disinterested - emotional play

I'm really bad at this. I came home and now I have left the habit of meditation. I have fallen back into old cycles, and I am reverting.

I find this sad and plan to do much about it - but the truth is, my willpower seems somewhat broken. I notice these old resistances to habits and rythms now. I don't know if you may have them but I certainly do.

Anyway. I had a particularly stressful day today, completely unexpected. I made an attempt today to please far too many people at once. It is now 10:51pm that I am writing this tired, no, exhausted, emotionally voiceless, worried, cold, and irritable.

I feel like I gave so much of myself today. But this is just a feeling. Probably very different to reality. But then again, my reality right now is the experience of this feeling.

I suppose the reason I am beating around the bush is because I went and pleased so many people today, did as I was asked, but when it came down to the crunch - to what I really wanted to help with - the person who truly needed support - I was helpless, unable to support them, grasping at water just to find SOMETHING to give them in terms of peace.

But nothing was there. I became awkward, unable to respond, unable to help. I felt horrible. I felt all these negative emotions at the inability to help someone. It was distressing, and lowered my ability to help them, making it even worse.

Now I realise that although there is a spiral, it is, in fact, selfish to allow these negative thoughts to cloud my judgement. I should remain aware of these emotions, for they have no real influence over my actions. Only I do that.

Well... Not so much selfish as putting effort in the wrong direction. I am not feeling sad because something bad has happened to me, I am feeling sad because I am empathising. I am not feeling distressed because I am empathising, I am feeling distressed because I have a strong desire to help. When I cannot help, I cannot help, but I can still work my best to be all I can.

These are just my attempts at a de-brief for today. Analysing what I have just been through helps. Thinking it through. But Its best never to mistake the analysis for actual change. The surface of water ripples constantly, but for the deep currents to change their route requires you to dive into the full depths of the water.